I have a lot of ground to cover for this month, and you only have so many minutes before you’re done taking a shit at work, so let's get into it.
The Count of Monte Cristo – Alexandre Dumas
Back when I worked at a bookstore, a customer was looking for this title. I hunted and tried to find this book she wanted, only to sadly tell her that I would need to order it in for her, but it would be here in a day or two. She said she’d think about it and walk around the store. The customer had come back about 20 minutes later and – to my surprise – she produced a copy of The Count of Monte Cristo and not – as I kept calling it because my brain is made of bees – the Count of Monte CRISCO.
It was the second lowest point in my bookselling career. I mean, could you imagine a big blue tub of shortening with a rapier and a mustache? This haunts me at least twice a day.
To rid the mental anguish I have over this book title, I decided to actually pick up and read the damn book. However, this novel is a TOME. Maxing out at 1300 pages, this thicc boi was first serialized (thank CHRIST) in the 1840s by Alexandre Dumas (think: Man in the Iron Mask, Three Musketeers, PBS’s WISHBONE, yeah that guy) it’s about an 18 year old named Edmond Dantes who is chucked into an Alcatraz like prison for being too damn perfect and charming for his own good – no, not really, but he’s been framed & backstabbed by two men he thought were his best mates! While there, he is tipped off about a treasure buried deep within the dungeon walls. Edmond quickly plots out a way to not only escape, but to seek revenge on the three men who betrayed him by becoming the mysterious and rich proprietor of a Canola Oil company. This is your classic adventure story wrapped around a spine of revenge. Monte Cristo reads (so far) like a mix of Princess Bride and Daytime Soap Opera, it has just the right amount of melodrama while also hitting that “highbrow literary” vibe. Not bad for a 181 year old book!
I know what you’re thinking “ Kelso, A long ass novel about revenge in 1800’s post Napoleon France? I would rather eat my big toe, thanks.” But hold on here with me. The trick is twofold. You gotta listen carefully if you want to really enjoy this book, okay?
1. Get the Robin Buss translation – Don’t be fooled by public domain, cheap ass counterparts, nor the condensed, abridged versions. Those won’t do you any good. I’ve done my research and I promise you that the Gold Standard in getting your entertainment’s worth out of this book is the Penguin Classics Edition translated by Robin Buss. It’s real easy to get, bet your library has that copy on their shelves right now, or any bookstore worth its weight in being legit will get you a proper copy. DO NOT ACCEPT SUBSTITUTIONS. Robin’s Translation is by far the most accessible and closest to the original French version you’re going to get without having to actually read it in French (Source: I read the first 5 pages of the OG French text and Robin’s translation. Conclusion: Robin is near sentence for sentence translating, and the shit he can’t easily convert into English, he finds a fun or delightful workaround in order for you to understand what the fuck is going on.)
2. Break it up over the course of a year – I know, A YEAR. I’m committed to reading this tome for 365 DAYS?! Yes my dude. If you are anything like me, as soon as you get to a dry-ass part in a novel you end up losing interest or dropping the book entirely. I won’t sugarcoat it, 1300 pages is a monster ask, and I’ll be damned if I won’t run into some 50 page political intrigue that’s going to make my high school dropout brain spin wildly in my dumb head! It’s going to happen! If you push through and only read about 25 pages a week, it will be easier, laughable even. Committing to 25 pages in a week you could do in an hour (or 2 hours if you’re like me and are THE SLOWEST READER IN THE WORLD). You could also find more time to read some other titles you might get more excited over if you find yourself stuck in a dry part of the book. I also took it one step further and subscribed to r/AReadingOfMonteCristo Subreddit, where we have a discussion every Saturday about the previous week’s reading. It’s holding me accountable, like weekly doable homework.
This Thing Between Us – Gus Moreno
I don’t get terrified very easily. Very little shakes me to my core, this isn’t some prideful thing, I’ve just seen enough death for a paycheck that I am jaded to most horror movies. However, I’m a chicken shit with an anxiety disorder – so I get scared of the most mundane things, like talking to my neighbors, mildly inconveniencing a stranger, and the “Internet of Things”. Gus’ debut novel kept my wife and I awake for weeks. It’s the scariest book I have ever read. Worse than the time I read House of Leaves while on hallucinogens (DO NOT RECOMMEND). The less you know about this book, the better so I won’t really give you a rhyme or reason here. If you need to know more about it google it but I promise you may spoil the twists and turns in this book if you do. All you need to know is that the book opens on your wife’s funeral, and it has something to do with an Alexia-esque Smart Speaker, and a questionable condo. From there, it devolves into some freaky Lovecraftian primal terrors and a beautiful sublayer of grief for a loved one, and all you can do from mentally going off the deep end is to gently put the book down and scream.
I’m not kidding, I have caught my wife wildly reading each page, her eyes flicking over each like a woman possessed, turning the pages with such force I thought she had ripped the book. Punctuated by a shrill “GODDAMN I HATE THIS FUCKING BOOK”, “FUCK THIS BOOK” or “HOLY SHIT” in the quiet, cozy din of December. Some choice quotes from Aoife are “This is a really good book but I’m never going to read it again.” And I agree, except I did re-read it, because I had some unanswered questions about the ending (THE ENDING!).
We finished it, but not under our own free will.
I will refrain from being cliche and say this was “the scariest book you’ll ever read” blockbuster bullshit, but I may have taken a hammer to my Google Smart Speaker during a 3am waking night terror, Office Space style.
A Warning: Shut off & unplug all devices before reading.
Zigzags - Kamala Puligandla
Another New Year’s Resolution that I had made to myself is to not buy any books this year - new or otherwise, until I start reading and removing the back catalog of books currently catching dust and bowing out my cheap WalMart bookshelf in the living room.The only new books that we’re going to be coming in this year will all be from my yearlong Small Press Book Subscription from my friends at Room of One’s Own in Madison, WI. Each month, Rooms sends me one (1) small press published book expertly picked by Bookseller Anada based on a few criteria I had emailed them about (I added some hard no-nos content wise, some absolute yeses that I want, and things that I am looking for in a book). This was my first book for January.
Zigzags is the story of Aneesha, a lesbian writer who moves back to Chicago for a hot summer and possibly rekindle a flame for a former lover named Whitney. When she gets back, she discovers that Whitney has moved into a fancy apartment with her trans boyfriend, and is working a serious new job instead of whiling her working hours at their favorite joint - Heartland Cafe - near Rogers Park. Whitney invites Aneesha to crash in her spare room for the summer as friends. The rest of the story follows Aneesha as she pedals ther bike throughout Chicago, dancing, drinking, and chilling with a cavalcade of queer friends.
Topping in at 230 pages, I sat down and read this during a particularly wintery weekend in New England, soon after, with tears glazing my eyeballs, I texted some of my queer friends and told them how much I missed them. Although I did initially come for the Dyke Drama (You cannot move in with an ex fling unless y’all have some boundary discussions first, AT LEAST. Buuuttt I’ve been a young twentysomething and I am definitely not one to take my own advice!) but I left with a contented sigh and tears in my eyes reminiscing over my own hot summer adventures when you’re still in college and the world is your fucking oyster. Kamala expertly crafts this love letter to summer, Chicago, the everlasting power of queer friendships and the subtle quiet heartbreak of queer relationships. This is the perfect book to be swept up in when you just need something to beat away your winter blues. We stan a queer summer vibe in this house!
A Gathering of Shadows - V.E.Schwab
If you’re still here, then this is going to be the place where I lose you as a reader. Because, y’all, I did not like this book. I stopped by the last 150 pages and couldn’t bear to finish it.
Okay LISTEN, the first book in the series “A Darker Shade of Magic '' (will thus be known now as ADSM, which - I know it sounds like a new form of kink but just help me out, okay??) is a solid fantasy book. Great magic system, dope worldbuilding, brooding teenaged characters, decent story ark. Overall a solid deal, hooked me right up. Yeah, okay, the characters are basically fancier versions of Hot Topic kids and the Kell’s entire arc sounds like something out of a My Chemical Romance video, but that was my shit! I’ll stand in this shade of embarrassment with my kohl- ringed racoon eyes and Vampire Freaks webpage!!!! So, when I read the synopsis of the second book in the series, I was pumped. A cross-empire magical competition? FUCK YES LET’S DO IT! However, it took approximately by my count 360 pages before we got into the first competition. Please keep in mind this book is 510 pages long, so more than half the book is setup and traveling to get us here before we even START anything worthy of action. 360 pages is a commitment to a reader. That’s an entire book and a good chunk of the next one. I’m glad you want to build this setup of what the characters were doing for the last 4 months, and their journey on how they all got to the magical tournament, and the factors as to why a few of them snuck themselves into the competition in the first place. But please, why drag me through 360 pages of brooding teenaged angst without giving some sort of reason why I should care? I felt like she had a good idea but needed to keep stretching the yarn out some more. You can only stretch the yarn out so much before it unravels, and unfortunately you’ve unraveled this reader too far. I cannot finish this series.
The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck - Mark Mason
Audiobooks are still considered reading, right? I needed to run some chores last week and this was the only audiobook available on my library’s “To Read” list. I had added this book a few years ago and promptly forgot it until now. It’s only 6 hours and I need some help in giving less fucks, so why not? Listening to this audiobook was like you’re sitting across from a tattooed up bartender helping you solve your troubles in a no bullshit kind of philosophical way. I am grateful that this didn’t turn into a covert pro-jesus self help kind of book, but Mark likes to talk about bro culture a little too much. I mean, he intros with a wax poetic on Bukowski’s epitaph. Ehhhh, okay dude, just take my card and close my tab, okay?
Mark is a pretty funny writer, and a solid advice giver, but he writes like he blogs. There is definitely an audience for this book, but unfortunately that audience is not me, but I would have no problem giving this book to an uncle, boyfriend, or brother who might need a “how to not be an asshole” vis-a-vis with a six hour man-to-man chat. Seriously though, triple bonus points for not sneaking any power of prayer shit in there like some well-known self help bloggers.
Remote Control - Nnedi Okorafor
I had received this book in a care package from a friend who discovered how much I love science fiction novels. Particularly, the DUNE series. She sent this to me with a cheeky note that said “I love you girl, but there’s more to life than DUNE.” and y’all she is right. Novellas are the poetry of the novel. Remote Control embodies that sentiment. This was my first Nnedi book, and a really solid introduction to Afrofuturism. Sankofa is the Adopted Daughter of Death, she walks around from town to town in Africa where she is fed and feared by the local folks. She has the ability to emanate this green light from her body in order to kill all life around her. This is the story of how this 13 year old child from Ghana received and learned to control these strange new powers. WIth fantastic and varied character development and a plot that beautifully balances the organic, folklore world with the impending near-future technology, Remote Control is a gem of a science fiction book that draws you in and - much like Sankofa - will stay with you long after you finish. Ashley, thank you for sending me this book! (Although, I am still a fan of DUNE, I am now a new fan of Nnedi Okorafor!) Also, if you’ve never read Nnedi’s short autobiography I highly suggest you seek that out. I have not been able to score a copy but her life sounds fascinating.
The Body Scout - Lincoln Michel
I had gone on a date with a woman I matched with on Tinder, we went to Barnes and Noble in our nearest city (they were having their after Crimbo sale) I came across this book while scanning the shelves. Let this be a lesson to your art departments, a real dope cover is all it takes to draw someone into a story. We follow Kobo in a very near dystopian New York City to try and solve the murder of his brother, JJ - an all-star baseball player while also trying to evade loan sharks trying to break good on Kobo’s many back payments for several necessary body modifications. Y’all I can’t even begin to describe this book, part murder mystery, part hardboiled private eye story, part baseball story with a backdrop of every cyberpunk movie you’ve seen between 1980-2001. I propelled myself through this book with a swiftness you’d think I was in a spaceship. There’s so much neat and original, mind-bending gadgets and ideas that I often felt like I was losing the thread of what Kobo and I were trying to do - solve his brother’s murder - so I did feel a little lost going through all these entertaining detours, but I nevertheless had fun going off on these gadget tangents like biochem baseball scouts, zootech animatronic animals, radical “Edenists”, and the worst technology someone could ever conceive (think: another person’s physical body as a “luxury item” to be manulipiated with, VR style). A mashup of Moneyball, Maltese Falcon, and Blade Runner, The Body Scout is a solid debut novel worth a sci-fi nerd’s time.
The Atmospherians - Isle McElroy
Full Disclosure - I picked up this book because I think Isle McElroy is hot. There, I said it. Zero shame in this. Do you know how many times I have read a novel based solely on the fact that the author looks attractive in their author photo? Oh, so many times.
After falling from social media grace over a dipshit who decided to kill himself on Instagram, Sasha is now the target of far-right beta male groups. She loses her job, home, influencer status, followers, and the ability to walk anywhere in public without someone recognizing her for all the wrong reasons. In comes her childhood friend Dyson - an out of work actor with an eating disorder - with a proposition to start a cult disguised as a retreat to fix men’s toxic masculinity problems. They end up doing it with mixed results.
I don’t even know where to begin with this book. It’s a F U C K I N G ride. Isle is a biting sharp humorist dressed in a fiction writer’s clothing, god, this WRITINGGG just CUTS though you! It is difficult even on the best days to toe the line of nihilist and comical, satire and serious. Atmospherians is a mirror held up to the most despicable dark parts of our social media culture. Telling us that we are not as important as we think we are, so fucking shut the fuck up and have fun being fucking normal and boring and ordinary, okay? I will dock points for the vomiting scenes - only because I have some severe emetophobia, but don’t let that stop you.
What am I reading next:
The Bell Jar - First time reading it, based on a recommendation from a date. I avoided this for a long time because of the social stigma around carrying this book. I feel like every femme I fell in love with in college prayed to the altar of Plath, so I’m nervous about these high expectations.
Count of Monte Cristo - I’ll be reading this over the course of the year, cause she thick.
Twenty Five to Life - A local author whose first book “The Light Years” I really enjoyed last year. I can’t wait for this new sci-fi adventure.
Bullshit Jobs - I promised to read more nonfiction, and this book gets recommended to me a lot at work, ironically.
A Winter’s Promise - Another high fantasy series that I heard about on the Reading Glasses Podcast. Also written originally in French, but I couldn’t find the French version to read, but this translator has a good track record.